I took Max to a preschool story time at the library today and before we left with a few new books to borrow, we stopped over at the stamping table. I was surprised to see that the due date for the materials was October 29, 2007, exactly three weeks from yesterday. Apparently someone forgot to change the stamp’s date to October 30th. I stared at it for a few seconds and just smiled as I pictured what life would be like for us by the time October 29th rolled around.
I have wanted to blog about the adoption, to share exactly what I’m feeling at this point in time. I’ve wanted to spill my guts about how I have to be so disciplined in my thinking so that I don’t let fears and doubts rob me of the excitement of planning for the baby.
But I’m not so good at this when I’m talking about it in real life. I’m in such a place of self-protection. I think my shallowness is so obvious and I say things like “well, if it happens it happens” and I downplay how God is working in our lives. It’s even crossed over into how I can’t get a good night’s sleep and I’m moody and impatient with the people I love the most. I’m so self-absorbed right now. I even mentally prepare for getting the call that A. has changed her mind and wonder if I’ll become bitter and throw myself a pity party about how I missed out on being a mother of two instead of one. At times I’m completely unaware of all the blessings that I’ve already been given by being a mom in the first place.
Those are the dark moments that I hate to admit I have, but I know that you’ve probably experienced them from time to time, too.
But thankfully, God doesn’t allow me to stay there for long. In the quiet, he gives me assurance that He is there. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a memory of when He was there in my past. I recall how the Lord ruled supreme over the details of whatever situation it was.
One of those times was when I heard a sermon on prayer on May 22, 2005 . We had just started the paperwork process for our adoption.
If you have time, you should listen to it. It really changed my thinking about prayer. The pastor encouraged us to ask God to do enormous, impossible things. I exited through the doors of the church with open eyes about how to pray for our adoption.
To pray for the moon!
We were blessed to have a really great adoption experience with Max’s birth family. We love and respect each other and have healthy boundaries in place. We’ve been told that it’s rare to have two “good” adoptions but I didn’t want to give in to that thinking. I prayed for God to do what seems impossible just so other people would see what He can do! I promised to shout it from the mountain top.
And, I prayed for three specific things: that the birth mom would love her baby and struggle with her decision, that she would take care of the baby and stay away from substances that would harm him, and that she would have a supportive relationship with her mom.
To me, this was praying for the moon and the stars. I had no idea what the next two years would hold while I prayed that prayer. I had no idea that we’d have to endure so many ups and downs. I had no idea that we’d be considering the risks involved when a baby has been exposed to drug or alcohol use, as was the case with many birth mother situations that we were told about.
When I heard that A. had no substance abuse I leaped out of my skin. And when I heard that she was already a mom to a 2 year old, I knew that she’d be going through struggles that I could identify with as another mom. And when I heard that at first A’s mom was not supportive of the adoption, but then was willing to share her feelings with me on the phone, I knew that God was at work.
I’m still asking for the moon and the stars. I’m asking for good communication between A. and me. I’m asking for a healthy delivery and for special moments at the hospital. And for God to give incredible measures of strength and grace to A. when she needs them the most.
I know that God can do that.
And I believe it’s no coincidence that every time I see a picture of a moon and stars (which is very common when you’re shopping for a baby) that I remember the significance of it.
Edited to add: We found out a few weeks later that this baby was not God’s plan for us. By His grace, He instilled in me a deeper desire to keep praying for the moon, though. Two months later we found out why.
Mini joined our family on February 16, 2008 and our prayers for what seemed impossible were indeed answered.